People who know my whole story understand that the positivity that flows through me is only possible because of God. I won’t pretend as though I’ve lived some horrible kind of life because I am truly blessed beyond measure, but I have experienced deep pain that has paralyzed me and left me in some dark places where my only help was a cry out to the Lord.
Five years ago I found myself in such a dark place. My divorce was finalized in July of 2008 and I started my first semester back to college that same August with 18 units. I was set to dive in and knock out my degree to get on with life for me and my boys. One week into the semester I realized I was pregnant. What a slap in the face. Not only was I devastated because I was in no position to care for another baby, but I had just started school and had already dropped classes previous semesters due to family responsibilities. Top that off with embarrassment and shame and it was no wonder why I found myself in a pit.
When I’m sharing my testimony, I point out that I only made it through because God carried me. I literally lived by my alarm clock. Every penny possible went to putting two kids in school full time so they didn’t have to see mom depressed. I woke up to the alarm to feed, dress, and get the boys off to school. I got home and set the alarm to get up in time to make it to my classes. I got home and set the alarm in time to get up and pick up the boys. I did our afternoon and nighttime routines and set the alarm to do it all again. I slept, did what I absolutely had to do, and spent a lot of time in tears.I’m not sharing this for pity. I’m not sharing this to air any kind of dirty laundry because sharing these details takes humility. I am responsible for the choices I had made and I’ve suffered the consequences of those choices too.
Thankfully God is a God who redeems. He does make all things beautiful! While I was pregnant I didn’t want my baby to feel like she wasn’t wanted. The last thing I would ever want is for Isabella to think she was unplanned because she wasn’t. God planned her. God knew the choices I would make and He accounted for those choices. I recited a poem to Isabella every night while she grew in my belly. I share this poem with you tonight so that no matter what you’re enduring in life right now, you know God uses it all for good.
You are who you are for a reason.
You’re part of a intricate plan.
You’re a precious and perfect unique design.
Called God’s special woman or man.
You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb,
You’re just what he wanted to make.
The parents you had were the ones he chose,
And no matter how you may feel,
They were custom-designed with God’s plan in mind,
And they bear the Master’s seal.
No, that trauma you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into his likeness you’d grow.
You are who you are for a reason,
You’ve been formed by the Master’s rod.
You are who you are, beloved,
Because there is as God!